So, I’ve truly neglected this blog – honestly I’ve neglected a lot the last 9 days. It kind of sucks to admit, but I guess that’s part of moving on and practicing self forgiveness. Really, I have no excuse – I just let life get the better of me. I had these two big projects due on Saturday and Sunday respectively and when -on Wednesday- I was looking down the week at them and Hayley’s parents coming into town on Friday and Saturday, I got scared. I froze up.
I was in a not awful place because I had worked so hard to get a lot of the normal week work done earlier, but I was choked and just didn’t do any homework. I found every legitimate excuse to not do the very thing I knew I should do and then when those things weren’t enough – I played a video game.
Anyway, I finished the project due on Saturday, but on Sunday the same thing happened. I resolved to work and showed up in the office and plotted what steps I would need to take to finish… and I didn’t take a single step. I just let the project sit there looming and untouched. Finally, 2 am rolled around and it was an hour passed the deadline and I walked home a failure.
It felt so awful to not do what was the right thing to do. To not even try.
So Monday rolls around and in my infinite (that’s hyperbole at use) wisdom (and… that’s sarcasm at use) I decided to not do the assignment at all. To make matters worse, this project is a hug portion of my grade and this is phase two out of three – so eventually it will need done if I hope to do the project in its entirety.
The way in which I succeeded in not doing the assignment (there’s a theme) was through distraction and isolation. I knew what I was doing (or not doing) was the wrong choice so I did my best to distract myself so that my attention would not fall to this area and convict me. Likewise, I did my best to not report my daily time investments so that no one else attention would fall to this area and have opportunity to convict me.
Compounding, that last step: isolation, was hurting my wife. She didn’t understand why I didn’t want to share with her and I didn’t want to tell her, so I would retreat and get defensive. It was horrible. I was neglecting her and even lashing out when she got too close.
I’m not sure what woke me up. I’m not totally sure I have. But I hope I have. I don’t like that version of myself and I see that it was me all along causing the problem(s). Unfortunately, I can’t change the past. I can’t make up the lost time. I can only confess and repent – turn around and start walking the other direction.
May the Lord grant us grace to confess and repent. May we be people who confess and repent of our own might. May we after confessing and repenting recognize our own efforts (because we did the work) and acknowledge the Lord’s sovereignty (because He did the work).
This has been a post for Feb 15-17, 20-24. Published Feb 25, 2017.