It makes it sound a lot better when I use “Holy Week” in my title instead of “April 10, 11, 12, 13, and 14” or “April 10-14” – but they are the same thing. Overall, I’m not super proud or disappointed in the days that made up this week. I spent a lot of them trying desperately to catch up on homework and failing – there are still large swaths of work that I have left unaddressed in one of my more difficult courses. Hopefully, I can address it this week. Also, because it was Holy Week, there was a lot of work around the church that needed to get done. And despite not having Hayley’s parents in town, we did a substantial amount of work at the new house as well. Ultimately, Hayley is not excited about the caliber of work we have been doing and that kind of demoralizes me. I really was to be doing high quality work – or at least work of a caliber that she can be proud of.
I think it stems from the long stated desire of mine to have those that know me the best respect me the most. I want to respect myself more than Hayley does; I want Hayley to respect me more than Mitch, Josh, Tim, Devon, or Samantha; I want them to respect me more than Ron, Dave and Ange, Katie and Jason, Alex and Jennifer, Dalton and Holly, Zac and Kelli, Conor, Millie, Mike, or Caroline; And them more than my Sunday school class or extended family.
So, when Hayley is not proud of the work we are doing around the house it really gets to me because I attribute so much of value to performance and so much of being to doing. I’m not totally sure this is the healthiest/correct position as I’ve had many people -even some I deeply respect- suggest to me the opposite: that being is set apart from doing and value is intrinsic regardless of performance. All-the-same it’s my current position: who you are is manifested in what you do and value is a reflection of who/whose you are.
Anyway, that’s why the week has been not good and not bad. I’ve invested a lot of time in things that seem good, but I have not been met with a satisfactory measure of success.
I hope to be more faithful in writing to whomever reads these… I hope to me more faithful in writing for the sake of my sanity. Happy Easter.
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