This blog needs a scrubbing.
I’ve been away for quite some time and the posts need review. One of them is particularly cringe-worthy; many of them are remarkably bland; many more ought to be written.
Also, my life needs a scrubbing.
I was thinking about this song I used to listen to that had a chorus “wishing you could see me now; wishing I could show you how… I’m not who I was…” I remembered listening to that song as a late teenager and thinking at the time how I had remade myself and was drastically better “now” than how I was…
But when I relistened yesterday, it was just sad. Because instead of hopeful optimism about who I am now and how much better that is than who I was, I experience despairing pessimism about who I am now and how much worse that is than who I was.
Ultimately, that’s no way to live and I can still imagine a future me that is better than current me, but I’m wishing that you -whoever that is- can not see me now and that you would not see how… I’m not who I was.
I like who I was. I don’t like who I am.
In a week and a half, I’ll commemorate my fifth anniversary with my wife. This has been the hardest year either of us has faced so far.
Moving to Atlanta has been heart-ache upon heart-ache.
Probably the hardest bit for both of us to bear has been the loss of hope.
Here’s to scrubbing.
May we find in the efforts a person worth being and a person worth sharing.
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