MichaelRobb's Weblog

In a Post for January 22-23, 2016 I wrote, “I regret that I am not writing more fun stuff. I am sure that in due time I will. For now, thanks for reading my daily reports…”

And I have to admit that as someone deeply interested in past Michael Robb… those daily reports really are ‘fun stuff’.

That being said, I know that I have an interest in past Michael Robb that far exceeds the interest of the common person. So, it still stands as stated in my About page – I “created a blog in order to benefit myself…”
If it benefits you too, that’s wonderful.

This blog needs a scrubbing.

I’ve been away for quite some time and the posts need review. One of them is particularly cringe-worthy; many of them are remarkably bland; many more ought to be written.

Also, my life needs a scrubbing.

I was thinking about this song I used to listen to that had a chorus “wishing you could see me now; wishing I could show you how… I’m not who I was…” I remembered listening to that song as a late teenager and thinking at the time how I had remade myself and was drastically better “now” than how I was…
But when I relistened yesterday, it was just sad. Because instead of hopeful optimism about who I am now and how much better that is than who I was, I experience despairing pessimism about who I am now and how much worse that is than who I was.
Ultimately, that’s no way to live and I can still imagine a future me that is better than current me, but I’m wishing that you -whoever that is- can not see me now and that you would not see how… I’m not who I was.

I like who I was. I don’t like who I am.

In a week and a half, I’ll commemorate my fifth anniversary with my wife. This has been the hardest year either of us has faced so far.
Moving to Atlanta has been heart-ache upon heart-ache.
Probably the hardest bit for both of us to bear has been the loss of hope.

Here’s to scrubbing.
May we find in the efforts a person worth being and a person worth sharing.

My grandparents -I’ve been staying with them for the past week- seem to live in such a way that they are living to continue living and to see their grandchildren “succeed in life”. But it’s not exactly clear what it means to succeed in life. And what does it mean that they are living to continue living? Have they already succeeded and this is their reward: watching those they love also take steps to succeed? Or did they fail to succeed and this is their consolation: watching those they love also take steps to succeed? Or maybe, they are still on the journey just a few decades ahead, trying in their own right to “succeed in life”.

What does it mean to succeed in life?

Can you fail in life?

There is certainly a way to create and inhabit hell on earth – surely that would be failure, right?

So maybe success is moving away from hell on earth?

But then you die.

I can’t conceive of succeeding in life without contemplating life-after-death. Isn’t that life’s span going to be much longer than the span of life before death? I guess it wouldn’t be if it didn’t exist at all [or if it did exist but just happened to be shorter – can time even be measured after death? Isn’t time just an construct by which we measure the distance between successive iterations of ordinally linked timespace?]…

If you don’t exist at all after you die, does what you do before you die really matter to you? No. It only matters to you as long as you are alive.

So, in my estimation it’s life-after-death or nihilism (or numbing addictions/distractions).

Which brings me back to the starting sentence of this paragraph, “I can’t conceive of succeeding in life without contemplating life-after-death.”

If there is life-after-death, that’s got to be one of the greatest inquiries of the age. Can it be prepared for on this side?  Is it static?

Who can know these things?

Does succeeding in life mean adequately discerning the nature of life after death and preparing for it? Surely that must be the bottom rung without which there is only failure… right?

Many of you know I am currently enrolled as a student in a MDiv program remotely. A teacher sent this announcement out to the class this week and I thought it was worth preserving.

“I was recently with a pastor who is retiring due to health. I asked him what he wished he could do differently about his ministry and he couldn’t think of anything except wishing he had exercised more. While he was imperfect, he loved his family, served his church the best he could and lived a consecrated life. He apologized for not being able to think of things he would like to have changed. I thought this was as fine a testimony as I could have heard. Don’t you want that to be your testimony when you are old as well? Do your best and follow the Lord closely and do his will. God blesses and honors that!
Have a great week and stay close to the Lord!”

I was so encouraged by this announcement. What a wonderful testimony: he was imperfect, he loved his family, served his church the best he could and lived a consecrated life. I hope that in time, I can say those things about myself. I hope also that it can be said of you, reader.

 

This past fall and spring, I was taking Greek as a seminary student. Greek both semesters lasted the duration of the semester, making it an anomaly since most of my courses last half a semester as online intensives. In addition to Greek, I took four or five other courses. Of course, fall Greek was easier than spring Greek. Unwisely, I signed up for five courses in the spring instead of the fall. Thus, in the semester with the harder base language, I found myself taking a larger course load with one half especially unbearable.

So, thinking ahead, I planned to take Hebrew in the upcoming fall and spring semesters. Hebrew is much harder to me than Greek. Wisely, I determined that I would only take four courses each semester beyond Hebrew (so that I was never taking three intensives plus Hebrew, which would be dreadful). In order to succeed in that goal in the upcoming fall and spring, I had to take seven intensives this summer.

This first half of summer has been super fun with regard to school as I’ve attended an exciting tour and taken three courses that are on subjects I really enjoy: denominational history, leadership, practical ministry. But I have one paper I failed to write on time. It was due on the 20th and five days later I still haven’t come close to finishing.
Hopefully, I can do it this afternoon and tomorrow morning and turn it in before it is an entire week late. But the irony of turning in a leadership paper on time management is not lost on me.

So, that’s the last assignment for the two classes that I took on tour. The other one course will end this Thursday and I suspect that I will have no difficulty finishing its assignments on time since I have been faithful to keep up with the coursework so far.

The second half of the summer semester has already begun though and this half, I will be taking four classes, so I’m a little nervous about that. I pray the Lord will be with me and will keep life calm as we finish the other side of the duplex (to move someone in by August), participate in church life and work, and as I devote myself to my education and other longer-term goals.

One thing that I have determined to give my heart rest about is where we will go upon graduation. I don’t know where we will go and often I am overwhelmed by anxiety or dread regarding the lack of decisive vision. But recently, I have decided to rest in that tension and not be worried. I plan instead to work hard on school, still striving to finish early. And then devote the season after graduation to recalibrating with the Spirit and my ambition in light of those I love. A large variety of options are on the table and I plan to sweep them into a box and close the lid cutting a small hole to receive future ideas, but not to be examined until the time is right. Grant me patience and peace as I trust the process and live temporarily without long term vision.

How do you feel about how you spent your day?

I feel wretched. I hate that at the end of the day I felt like it was wasted. The whole of the day was meaningless. At least I’m writing. That way there is some record and maybe I can process and grow through it.

Days that feel meaningless are not always meaningless and days that feel meaningful are not always meaningful. Most days are somewhere in between: having some meaning.

Today feels meaningless because I did not do anything I wanted to do. I did not exercise my autonomy and authority to do that which I value. I was rather subject to insecurity and fear and feelings of unworthiness as I did nothing I esteem to do.

Lord, if you are merciful, please give me another day. And help me to number my days so that I will gain a heart of wisdom.

Some of you know that I am a seminarian full time. In fact, my primary occupation is that of a seminarian. Recently, I was feeling insecure about how I spend my time and wanting to better use my time and resorted to listing the obligations of certain roles that I fill. There are of course roles I neglected to write about – hopefully someday I will consider those as well and craft an exhaustive list by which I can measure my behavior (hopefully resulting in the peace of knowing I have played my part well).

The reason that I am writing down the list before it is complete is because I need the space. When I wrote it, I used the whiteboard at church but now I need that space for something else. I still want to keep the lists as a good starting place for this project to be addressed later. Thus, here it is:

• Because I am a Christian, I should lead a healthy…
  • spiritual lifestyle by praying, fasting, reading, considering, serving, memorizing, and loving well.
  • physical lifestyle by eating, sleeping, exercising, and doing hygiene well.
  • intellectual lifestyle by reading, writing, and talking well.
  • financial lifestyle by striving to live on less than I make, intentionally considering each recurring cost to ensure they reflect my values, considering major purchases to ensure they reflect my values, saving for future expenditures I can imagine incurring, investing the margin wisely, keeping good records, and giving generously.
  • social lifestyle by maintaining a relational schematic and honoring the social roles that I have agreed to fill.
  • mental/emotional lifestyle by seeking out and investing in therapeutic practices/relationships, vacationing/honoring the sabbath and tending to self care to prevent burnout.
  • romantic lifestyle by insisting on defined romantic relationships and functioning faithfully as a lover within defined boundaries.
  • vocational lifestyle by regular considering how to spend my time, regularly tending to my habits, and regularly create and manage goals and aspirations.
• Because I am a seminarian, I should…
  • watch my faith and practice closely; live as a healthy Christian.
  • pursue my certification through diligent, faithful, academic work.
  • prepare for the pastorate by:
    • considering what it means to pastor
    • developing my systematic theology
    • developing my historic theology
    • developing my biblical theology
    • develop my understanding of ecclesiology
    • practicing discipleship
    • practicing evangelism
    • memorizing God’s Word
    • fostering relationships that will be useful to future ministry endeavors
    • engaging in the languages of the original scriptures
• As I consider what it means to be a pastor, I have determined that a pastor should…
  • watch his faith and practice closely; live as a healthy Christian.
  • teach his flock, which requires:
    • having a developed theology
    • expositing God’s word regularly
    • creating or sharing resources
  • shepherd his flock, which requires:
    • having a developed ecclesiology
    • arranging for regular preaching of the word
    • arranging for discipleship of membership
    • arranging for church discipline
    • modeling and teaching Christian service to persons in and outside the flock
    • raising up and empowering elders, deacons, and members to the calling of the Lord on their lives
  • equip the saints to protect and manifest the gospel
  • develop or maintain a healthy duplicating church